Insecurity

I never thought of myself as someone insecure...until now. I don't know if it is just that combination of coincidental things that happen where all the planets align in some way that make me feel different or truly, I am just opening my eyes to it. I just realized recently that I feel like no one likes me. I feel like my friends really don't give a damn. I feel like people think I am annoying.

Either that or I choose friends that are really not that involved or caring. I am sure I am just being whiney here...but, um.... hello, I am whiney momma! All kidding aside though, at times it does scare me. It scares me that people seem to treat me like I am not there. Like I am a ghost. When I do open my mouth, I feel like they almost sigh and breathe relief when I walk away. Is this true? What have I done? I don't friggin know. Am I one of those annoying people that doesn't know I am annoying?

For Christ's sake!

I remember one afternoon at a birthday party for one of my friend's kids, another friend.... let's call him Joe, was commenting back to me and said this, "not everyone can be as perfect as you." I swear, that comment will never leave me. That comment stung me like a swarm of nasty bees. I immediately thought in response, "since when do I act like I think I am perfect?" I felt shocked, ashamed, and bitter that he thought of me that way.

That also was the last time I looked that friend in the eye. The relationship I had with this friend is certainly more complicated than that comment but there really was something that made me realize, OMG, that is what he thinks of me? Is that what other people think of me? Am I walking around talking like I am the most perfect thing in the world? Does that annoy the shit out of people?

So hence, my insecurity. Lately, I feel so self-conscious, I almost don't want to speak to my friends. I teeter between wanting to get more involved with them and wanting to avoid them like the plague. How do I find out where I stand here? Do I ask someone or just assume I am taking one person's comment too far?